The Dreaded Mahwongs

Lincoln is filled with Mahwongs.

What are Mahwongs, you might ask? Well, then, I'll tell you.

But first, go surf for some porn. Go ahead, I'll wait.






Done yet? Good.

Mahwongs are poorly educated, animalistic bastards that stalk all that is good on this Earth, intent on destroying its presence where it stands. Fortunately, they're somewhat lazy, so that's good.

Despite the views of some bigots, Mahwongs cannot be accurately located by skin color alone. They come in all shades, whitey white, white, kinda off-white, whitish, mulatto, mocha, coffee bean, midnight, and even black velvet. Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the idea.

Their defining characteristic is that they're impervious to logic. If you say something logical, their brain actually never hears the message. You could say to a Mahwong who was on fire, "Hey, old chap, I believe you're going up in flames," and the Mahwong would say, "We can't focus on the obvious. We've got to turn this city around," before turning into a walking funeral pyre of flames and platitudes.

The citizenry of Lincoln are really slaves to their lack of education, which in turn Mahwongifies them to a great extent. Most of the time, if you use a five syllable word in a way that may or may not be intelligible, they either a) worship you like a king, or b) elect you Mayor so you can royally fuck things up.

Here's the thing- we've got this mayor in Lincoln- let's call him Icicle, because I think that's cool. Get it? Whaaaa-Whaaaaaa.

Anyway, Mayor Icicle claimed he was going to clean up the crime in Lincoln. So, the Mahwongs, in their decaying brains decided, "Crime is bad I guess. Icicle doesn't like crime, so I like Icicle." After completing that syllogism, most of the Mahwongs fell into a coma for two weeks for overexerting their brains. Then, they came to and voted Icicle into office.

Icicle then turns into a Hitler-type leader. Icicle-Hitler proceeds to a) flagrantly violate several state laws on camera and get's put on probation by a judge. Before that, he b) allegedly tore down a house with a crew of guys and some sledgehammers. (For the record, I'm also allegedly writing this blog post. Write your congressman.) He's a nutcase. At least Hitler had the common sense to completely take over the power structure so he could make up his own rules first.

For the coup de grace, a warrant for his arrest came out yesterday. The mayor of Lincoln, a major city in the Southeast, has an arrest warrant issued with his name on it. I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Here's what drives me abso-fucking-lutely insane- the Mahwongs love him with a zeal that borders on idolatry. Today they staged a rally in front of City Hall to show their support. A local news station just reported that 58% of the people in Lincoln don't think he should go to jail. What the fuck? I swear, they could show this guy on camera killing people Gestapo style for parking violations and the Mahwongs would say the next day, "Serves them right. Icicle is gotta cut down on crime."

All I'm saying is, Mayor Icicle could wipe his ass with the U.S. Constitution on camera while cutting off a jaywalker's head, and the Mahwongs would erect a graven image of him in the town square. It's ridiculous.

He could suffocate a ten-year old child with the decaying corpse of a puppy, and he'd still win re-election in a landslide. He'll probably run from jail and win.

God, I hate Mahwongs.