A couple of thoughts about the whole tragedy:
1. NBC News is a piece of shit for airing segments and letters from the package Cho sent them. That's what he wanted, you douchebags. Now every whackjob is gonna know he'll die in infamy if he finally decides to mow down some people. He just needs to fire up the old video camera first. They merely pay lip service to the victims, because it's the actual death that makes the news, not the lives that were lost.
For example, look at the Amish school shooting. The Amish simply forgave the shooter, and then moved on. They didn't plaster his picture everywhere. We Americans can be pretty sick fucks sometimes- we get off on our supposed revulsion to violence by talking about how much we hate it until we're blue in the face.
2. Everybody is bitching about gun control. Gun control is not the solution- creating a society where people tend to not go crazy is. He could have just as easily used a bomb or poison gas or laced the campus cafeteria's food supply.
But since I'm pretty sure we're just going to stay fucked up, here's an idea. Let's allow people over the age of 21 who pass a battery of psychological and background tests to apply for a civilian police position- basically full-time off-duty cops who get to carry a weapon. I sure as hell don't want to wait ten minutes for the cops to show up while some nutcase is spraying students and walls with lead. How many lives could have been saved if someone in the building had been carrying a firearm, been trained in its use, and had a suitably working moral compass?
Gun control doesn't work for another reason- the people who aren't supposed to have them don't care too much about the laws. So decent Americans are left without protection, and the fuckups get to run willy-nilly with the guns they buy from drug sales and smuggling rings.
3. My thoughts are with those who passed away on that campus- I hope you find some kind of peace somewhere.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Virginia Tech
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Off With His Head?
Recently a jury urged that a judge sentence a man to death for the killing of a child. You can read the story here, if you're interested. Being MSNBC.com, it just glosses over the facts, but apparently the guy buried a 9 year old girl alive in some trash bags. I don't know why the age is important- would it be less heinous if he had killed a 15 year old that way? I doubt it.
I'm not a fan of the death penalty, simply because humans tend to make mistakes. And even if they're right 99% of the time, that means 1% of the people on death row are innocent. Which is, in my opinion, a special kind of suck.
I'm not familiar with the details of the case (I don't really care, either) but I do know that a jury has an emotional, gut-reaction type response to these type of trials. There's no "innocent until proven guilty" mentality. There's only a, "Somebody's gotta pay for this shit" mob thing goin' on that can't be good. I mean, you know the State's gonna bring charges against someone, just to avoid public outcries. So they pick the most likely suspect, and send him down the river. The jury would convict anyone, if the prosecutor has any talent at all.
Also, life in prison has to suck infinitely worse. It might be bearable for a few years, but once you realize you're goin' to die in that hellhole, it's gotta suck pretty hard. And then you got the other guys either a) trying to fuck you, b) trying to shank you, d) trying to give you Hepatitis C and/or AIDS, or d) all of the above. It can't be good times. Especially if they know you killed a child.
Even the cruelest son of a bitch in prison won't stand for that shit. There's guys in there who will rob a bank and shoot five cops in the face without thinking about it, but they go apeshit when they learn about someone hurting a child. A few years ago, didn't some inmates hold a guy down and put a prison tattoo on the guy's face? Oh yeah, they did. You know the guard was paying attention that day. Wink. Wink.
Also, the death penalty is painless. You just go to sleep. Hell, I can go to sleep. That doesn't take any balls. They don't even really fry people anymore, do they? Just a little shot to make you sleepy. Jerk Wads.
All I'm saying is, there are fates worse than death. One of them is spending fourty years in a maximum security prison before dying with a painful Hepatitis C related infection and the nickname "Easy Rider."
I'm not saying the guy isn't the scum of the earth, only that he's getting off easy by being put out of his misery.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Decapitated Headlines
Here's a sampling of real and current headlines from MSNBC.com, with my critique of them following after each in italics. My point is, these news organizations are about as concerned with the transmission of truth as Trump is about finding a great leader to run one of his 2,000 corporations. I'm pretty sure he's just in The Apprentice to make money, but I've been wrong before. The actual headlines show up after the jump.
1. "U.S. struggles to find fresh troops for Iraq buildup."
I guess the mobile spa units with armor-piercing nail stations haven't been finished yet. I love how they use the word "fresh" as a code word for "breathing." Also, that's exactly why we're losing the War on Terror- our boys are winded. They need oxygen masks. Gee, and I thought it was because we had stepped into an ideological morass spanning thousands of years and hinging on the very fundamental beliefs of ancient religions? Man, I'm an idiot sometimes. Our soldiers just need a breather. That's good to know.
2. Mexican leader vows drug crackdown, prods U.S.
I love how MSNBC just assumes that the average reader of its site wouldn't recognize the leader of Mexico's last name. They'd be like, "The channel that brought us the Simpsons and Family Guy is fighting the drug war? Isn't that hypocritical?
Also, "prods" either conjures sexual imagery or farm animal behavior therapy. Really bad choice of words. Next time, try not to hire someone just because they have an English degree and they're dating the editor's daughter.
"Vows" doesn't make sense either. He's not getting married, after all, or swearing to kill a blood enemy by sundown. They just picked it because it was short. I bet they suck at Scrabble and crossword puzzles.
3. "Man seeks to dispel public's fear of ski masks."
This is what we call a shit story. You should never click on these types of stories because the best part about them is the headline. It never fails- the story is never as good as the one you instantly make up in your head. Instead of being some cranky old bastard who's pickled himself half to death, it's some yuppie from Oregon trying to make a few bucks off the winter ski season. And the only reason they're running the story is because he used the date the editor's daughter.
4. "Packers fans cry 'No Moss!'"
This is mind-boggling, because they think that their readers won't know Vincente Fox's name, yet that they'll instantly latch on to the fact that "No Moss!" is a clever play on words of a quote said by Rocky Marciano, a whitey boxer from God knows when. Way to keep tabs on your demographic, goatfuckers. I'm so tired.
Also, it should be Packers', with an apostrophe after the "s." See #2 RE: Employee Qualifications Advice.
5. "Tornado caught on cell phone."
Why the fuck is this even news? I've seen a tornado before. I've seen a cell phone before. I'm pretty sure that when the two meet, it's not terribly exciting. How, with a website that covers all the news in the world, can this make it on the front fuckin' page? Unbelievable.
By the way, if you didn't picture a tiny tornado twisting inside an actual phone, you really can't be my friend.
6. Hindus hang from hooks.
Someone's been drinking too deep from the ol' alliteration pool. Literary techniques are not Legos or Twinkies- you can't just grab a few on a whim and then leave them for the dog to piss on later. With great power comes great responsibility, bitches. As someone with an English degree, I can say with some amount of confidence that if Milton read this headline, he'd wreak some unholy hell on the motherfucker who drew this one up.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Sighting
I actually saw Icicle once. My eyes started bleeding profusely from the sheer sight of his grandeur, so I couldn't stare long. Later, after I had gnashed my teeth for an appropriate amount of time, I was able to recollect my thoughts and write them down.
I saw him at Kinda Fancy Mall, which is in MountainVille, an affluent suburb north of Lincoln. The two are so close that it's hard to tell where MountainVille begins and Lincoln ends, but the ever decreasing amount of litter on the side of the road gives a distinct clue.
This was in the early days of Icicle's reign, where pretty much everybody still liked him. I mean, Lincoln was so bad off, it would be pretty hard to imagine he could make it worse. Oh how sweet innocence is, when one has it.
What I found hilarious about the event was the fact that Icicle was shopping in Mountainville, when one of his big selling points had been bringing more business to Lincoln.
There's a mall in Lincoln, but the fact that Icicle apparently won't shop there on a Saturday night is somewhat telling. Basically the Mall in Lincoln is so shady that the light of the sun never hits the building, and it's engrossed in perpetual twilight. It's not an unsafe place during the day (old people walk around inside it like zombies, and everyone that could cause a problem is still sleeping off last night's vices) but at night, you're taking your life in your hands.
Not only that, but Icicle gets his heart fixed in another state. I know our health system isn't the greatest in the world, but I'd like to think that a heart doctor is a heart doctor is a heart doctor.
It's almost as if Lincoln is his personal political litterbox, and he runs elsewhere to get his food, clothes, and medical treatment.
We're left, then, with just the shit.
Icicle Unbowed, Bitches!
Welcome to the rabbit hole, fuckers!
You remember when logic actually played a part in anything? Where shit was somewhat predictable? Where arrest warrants were actually enforced? Because I've forgotten. I've currently got a carrot shoved up my ass, and shit keeps coming out of my mouth. I'm typing this with my toes and standing on my hands. Alanis Morissette's music actually sounds palatable. I swear, it's upside down land around here.
The Magnificent Bastards vacated the arrest warrant and recused the presiding Judge. Oops.
Now, in the real world (which no longer exists) a new judge would pop up, reissue the arrest warrant- because, after all, Icicle has still violated his parole- and we'd just go on with life. But in this new world, I fully expect the new judge to give Icicle a medal before turning into a T-Rex that hands out hot meals to the rich. Icicle will then declare himself dictator and single-handedly destroy the American military solely with his sheer upper body strength, kinda like The Incredible Hulk. Only much more incredibler and hulkier.
And since we've killed Captain America, there's no one to stop him.
I truly hate you all.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
They Killed Captain America
It's this kind of shit that pisses me off.
Hey, Comrades, I heard there's still a little kid in Newark who believes in Santa Claus. Perhaps if you're fast enough, you can totally crush her spirit as well.
What the fuck is wrong with this country?
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Icicle IV
I remember those halcyon days when life was care free and my biggest worry was running out of ideas to blog about. Cigarette smoke and gentle breezes wafted effortlessly through the myriad hallways of my magnificent brain, and I was content to let the secrets it unearthed linger innocently there for all eternity.
Oh, how the fuckin' shit hits the fan.
Icicle, our esteemed leader, gets indicted, arrested, placed on probation, hunted down with an arrest warrant, and gets subsequently placed in the Burton County Detention Center.
Wondrous. Now I'm quite seriously considering three or four Icicle blogs, an Icicle television channel, a local Icicle newspaper, an a custom-designed diamond studded series of Icicle ankle bracelets. Because, as far as I can tell, the people of Lincoln can't get enough of the Icicle news.
What's sad is that for a little while, at least, this town was a sinking ship with a crazy captain. He wasn't going to find the New World, but he probably had the sense to order someone to steer the ship if a giant flaming iceberg came out of nowhere. Now it's just wandering about, captainless. It's just a matter of time before people are out looting storefronts and refusing to pay for gas.
The optimistic part of me says that the tagline of Gladiator is right, and a hero will rise out of this to lead the city to a brighter day.
But the realistic part of me says that most of us are going to die horrible gang-related deaths.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Icicle v.3
Oh. fuck.
The Magnificent Bastards in the prison-shaped building slapped Icicle's counsel in the face yesterday, saying they lacked a certain mojo to deal with the appeal. And by "mojo," I mean jurisdiction. You know, that foundational hallmark of Western culture. It's a slight problem. They basically said that they had about as much right to hear this particular case as the one where the space alien claimed it was sexually molested by a Vulcan on Venus.
Capron v. Van Noorden, bitches.
(By the way, fuckers, Vulcans are people. They're just like you and me. And if you try to tell me otherwise, I'll kill you. And when I do, I'll just hire Icicle's lawyers, and they'll delay the trial so much that your relatives will die and/or get Alzheimer's before I go down. Mark my words, bitches.)
Anyhoo, now the Dream Team has filed an emergency appeal to the Magnificent Bastards, claiming that the Judge stole an order from the circuit clerk- a crime punishable by up to five years in jail. For the love of God, when is President Bush just gonna nuke the hell out of this place so I can die in peace? I'll think I'll call the tip line and tell them I saw a Muslim a few weeks ago- that'll do it.
Anyway, they're acusing the judges of committing a felony. What the fuck? From what I gather, she simply took back the order so she could attach exhibits to it- it's the same damn order. Shit's on your face, Icicle's counsel. And guess what- the Magnificent Bastards may be liberal and love Icicle, but their sense of self-preservation is even greater. They'll cut you down like chaff on Judgment Day if you think you'll get anywhere impugning a judge without evidence. Good luck fittin' that future ruling up your ass.
All I can figure is that if you rub Icicle the right way while he's sleeping, pure gold shoots out his ass and he sweats high-quality heroin. Because otherwise, I can't see why you'd go around and fuckin' jeapardize your professional relationship with every fuckin' person of import in this state.
Jerk-wads.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
The Dreaded Mahwongs
Lincoln is filled with Mahwongs.
What are Mahwongs, you might ask? Well, then, I'll tell you.
But first, go surf for some porn. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Done yet? Good.
Mahwongs are poorly educated, animalistic bastards that stalk all that is good on this Earth, intent on destroying its presence where it stands. Fortunately, they're somewhat lazy, so that's good.
Despite the views of some bigots, Mahwongs cannot be accurately located by skin color alone. They come in all shades, whitey white, white, kinda off-white, whitish, mulatto, mocha, coffee bean, midnight, and even black velvet. Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the idea.
Their defining characteristic is that they're impervious to logic. If you say something logical, their brain actually never hears the message. You could say to a Mahwong who was on fire, "Hey, old chap, I believe you're going up in flames," and the Mahwong would say, "We can't focus on the obvious. We've got to turn this city around," before turning into a walking funeral pyre of flames and platitudes.
The citizenry of Lincoln are really slaves to their lack of education, which in turn Mahwongifies them to a great extent. Most of the time, if you use a five syllable word in a way that may or may not be intelligible, they either a) worship you like a king, or b) elect you Mayor so you can royally fuck things up.
Here's the thing- we've got this mayor in Lincoln- let's call him Icicle, because I think that's cool. Get it? Whaaaa-Whaaaaaa.
Anyway, Mayor Icicle claimed he was going to clean up the crime in Lincoln. So, the Mahwongs, in their decaying brains decided, "Crime is bad I guess. Icicle doesn't like crime, so I like Icicle." After completing that syllogism, most of the Mahwongs fell into a coma for two weeks for overexerting their brains. Then, they came to and voted Icicle into office.
Icicle then turns into a Hitler-type leader. Icicle-Hitler proceeds to a) flagrantly violate several state laws on camera and get's put on probation by a judge. Before that, he b) allegedly tore down a house with a crew of guys and some sledgehammers. (For the record, I'm also allegedly writing this blog post. Write your congressman.) He's a nutcase. At least Hitler had the common sense to completely take over the power structure so he could make up his own rules first.
For the coup de grace, a warrant for his arrest came out yesterday. The mayor of Lincoln, a major city in the Southeast, has an arrest warrant issued with his name on it. I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Here's what drives me abso-fucking-lutely insane- the Mahwongs love him with a zeal that borders on idolatry. Today they staged a rally in front of City Hall to show their support. A local news station just reported that 58% of the people in Lincoln don't think he should go to jail. What the fuck? I swear, they could show this guy on camera killing people Gestapo style for parking violations and the Mahwongs would say the next day, "Serves them right. Icicle is gotta cut down on crime."
All I'm saying is, Mayor Icicle could wipe his ass with the U.S. Constitution on camera while cutting off a jaywalker's head, and the Mahwongs would erect a graven image of him in the town square. It's ridiculous.
He could suffocate a ten-year old child with the decaying corpse of a puppy, and he'd still win re-election in a landslide. He'll probably run from jail and win.
God, I hate Mahwongs.
Friday, March 2, 2007
My Town
I live near a large city in the Southeastern United States. I shall call this city "Lincoln."
Lincoln is a dump. At one point, it used to be pretty cool- majestic and architecturally beautiful skyscrapers lined the sky. Now it's a shell.
Like a lot of larger towns in the South, there's perhaps a six to eight block radius where it's fairly safe to walk during the day. People drive into the town to work, then quickly escape before nightfall falls over the city. Because then, if you wander down the streets, you might as well just kill yourself. Because you'll be dead anyway. Strange people wander the streets, wanting to fulfill their thirst for blood. Some of them will kill you and leave your wallet stuffed with cash on the sidewalk. They're simply insane.
Or, as I like to say, Insan-O. Because it sounds funnier.
The local news ran a piece tonight about how people were moving back into South Lincoln, because the perception of crime there was overblown. A local resident was quoted as saying, "Crime can happen anywhere. It happens in Lincoln, it happens in Washington, and it happens in Jefferson."
(By the way, if you can't figure out that Washington and Jefferson aren't the real names of nearby towns, you're probably not very smart.)
Anyway, it's all bullshit. Of course crime is worse in South Lincoln. The newscaster wouldn't even do the broadcast live on a street in South Lincoln, for fear of instant death. Nor would she let her child walk down the streets of South Lincoln alone, because (hopefully) she's not a complete moron.
A local real estate site has over thirty houses for sale in Lincoln for less than $15,000. Why is that, you might ask? It's not because there's so many of them. It's because instead of insulation, they fill the walls with the bodies of dead hookers and crackheads.
Jefferson, a quickly growing bedroom community to the North of Lincoln, has recently realized that if it builds a living room, it never has to come to Lincoln. So they started building mini-skyscrapers. Which means office space. Which means all the employers in Lincoln are leaving. In a hurry. So soon, even the six to eight block radius will be a ghost town.
My prediction- in the next 5 years, Lincoln will become a sinking pothole of crime and moral decay, with Mad Max type individuals roaming the streets looking for clean drinking water and cigarettes. The streets will be littered with rusting automobile carcasses, as all the gas stations were long ago burned to the ground in the Great Riot of '09. Parentless children, mutated by the nuke that the military hit the town with in a last ditch effort to save the city, will wander around with glowing eyes and no sense of shame. Really rich people from around the country will take tours in tanks through the carnage, for the pure thrill of it. A few will die every year. TimeLife will make a few bucks off of tribute books and calendars, and then everyone will forget about it.
Either that, or it'll just completely go to hell.
But the Mad Max thing is so much cooler.
In my next post, I'll write about the Mahwongs- I think, fair reader, you'll like it.
