I'm so fuckin' tired of TV commercials. The next time you think a dollar isn't worth much, just watch a damn commercial. All those bastards want you to plunk down your money, and they try to entice you with fancy commercials. It's all bullshit. MacDonald's has gotten rich by selling us one dollar burgers that cost 20 cents to make. A dollar here- a dollar there- pretty soon they're worth over a billion dollars. The shit adds up.
Deal Or No Deal is the worst. I swear, I think there's more commercials than there actually is television show. I get tired of the commercials even when I Tivo through them- that's how many there are. I get it, people- you make the best truck/drink/hair replacement produce/diet plan/alcoholic beverage/online dating site in the world, and it'll only take me a few bucks to get in on the action. All of you suck.
It's kinda sad that Coke pretty much knows that if it pulls all of its advertising, people would slowly stop buying their product. Because we're not drinking Coke, we're drinking soda water that a billion dollar company has driven into our heads. It's not even a choice anymore- it's a Pavlovian response.
I'm tired, so this isn't fancy or clean, but suffice it to say that commercials can suck my ass. If I want to buy your product, I will- but you don't have to shove it down my throat fifteen times an hour. I don't care if you do have a fully fuckin' boxed frame, Ford. You can still kiss my ass.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Hiatus
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Decapitated Headlines
Here's a sampling of real and current headlines from MSNBC.com, with my critique of them following after each in italics. My point is, these news organizations are about as concerned with the transmission of truth as Trump is about finding a great leader to run one of his 2,000 corporations. I'm pretty sure he's just in The Apprentice to make money, but I've been wrong before. The actual headlines show up after the jump.
1. "U.S. struggles to find fresh troops for Iraq buildup."
I guess the mobile spa units with armor-piercing nail stations haven't been finished yet. I love how they use the word "fresh" as a code word for "breathing." Also, that's exactly why we're losing the War on Terror- our boys are winded. They need oxygen masks. Gee, and I thought it was because we had stepped into an ideological morass spanning thousands of years and hinging on the very fundamental beliefs of ancient religions? Man, I'm an idiot sometimes. Our soldiers just need a breather. That's good to know.
2. Mexican leader vows drug crackdown, prods U.S.
I love how MSNBC just assumes that the average reader of its site wouldn't recognize the leader of Mexico's last name. They'd be like, "The channel that brought us the Simpsons and Family Guy is fighting the drug war? Isn't that hypocritical?
Also, "prods" either conjures sexual imagery or farm animal behavior therapy. Really bad choice of words. Next time, try not to hire someone just because they have an English degree and they're dating the editor's daughter.
"Vows" doesn't make sense either. He's not getting married, after all, or swearing to kill a blood enemy by sundown. They just picked it because it was short. I bet they suck at Scrabble and crossword puzzles.
3. "Man seeks to dispel public's fear of ski masks."
This is what we call a shit story. You should never click on these types of stories because the best part about them is the headline. It never fails- the story is never as good as the one you instantly make up in your head. Instead of being some cranky old bastard who's pickled himself half to death, it's some yuppie from Oregon trying to make a few bucks off the winter ski season. And the only reason they're running the story is because he used the date the editor's daughter.
4. "Packers fans cry 'No Moss!'"
This is mind-boggling, because they think that their readers won't know Vincente Fox's name, yet that they'll instantly latch on to the fact that "No Moss!" is a clever play on words of a quote said by Rocky Marciano, a whitey boxer from God knows when. Way to keep tabs on your demographic, goatfuckers. I'm so tired.
Also, it should be Packers', with an apostrophe after the "s." See #2 RE: Employee Qualifications Advice.
5. "Tornado caught on cell phone."
Why the fuck is this even news? I've seen a tornado before. I've seen a cell phone before. I'm pretty sure that when the two meet, it's not terribly exciting. How, with a website that covers all the news in the world, can this make it on the front fuckin' page? Unbelievable.
By the way, if you didn't picture a tiny tornado twisting inside an actual phone, you really can't be my friend.
6. Hindus hang from hooks.
Someone's been drinking too deep from the ol' alliteration pool. Literary techniques are not Legos or Twinkies- you can't just grab a few on a whim and then leave them for the dog to piss on later. With great power comes great responsibility, bitches. As someone with an English degree, I can say with some amount of confidence that if Milton read this headline, he'd wreak some unholy hell on the motherfucker who drew this one up.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Sighting
I actually saw Icicle once. My eyes started bleeding profusely from the sheer sight of his grandeur, so I couldn't stare long. Later, after I had gnashed my teeth for an appropriate amount of time, I was able to recollect my thoughts and write them down.
I saw him at Kinda Fancy Mall, which is in MountainVille, an affluent suburb north of Lincoln. The two are so close that it's hard to tell where MountainVille begins and Lincoln ends, but the ever decreasing amount of litter on the side of the road gives a distinct clue.
This was in the early days of Icicle's reign, where pretty much everybody still liked him. I mean, Lincoln was so bad off, it would be pretty hard to imagine he could make it worse. Oh how sweet innocence is, when one has it.
What I found hilarious about the event was the fact that Icicle was shopping in Mountainville, when one of his big selling points had been bringing more business to Lincoln.
There's a mall in Lincoln, but the fact that Icicle apparently won't shop there on a Saturday night is somewhat telling. Basically the Mall in Lincoln is so shady that the light of the sun never hits the building, and it's engrossed in perpetual twilight. It's not an unsafe place during the day (old people walk around inside it like zombies, and everyone that could cause a problem is still sleeping off last night's vices) but at night, you're taking your life in your hands.
Not only that, but Icicle gets his heart fixed in another state. I know our health system isn't the greatest in the world, but I'd like to think that a heart doctor is a heart doctor is a heart doctor.
It's almost as if Lincoln is his personal political litterbox, and he runs elsewhere to get his food, clothes, and medical treatment.
We're left, then, with just the shit.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
The Dreaded Mahwongs
Lincoln is filled with Mahwongs.
What are Mahwongs, you might ask? Well, then, I'll tell you.
But first, go surf for some porn. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Done yet? Good.
Mahwongs are poorly educated, animalistic bastards that stalk all that is good on this Earth, intent on destroying its presence where it stands. Fortunately, they're somewhat lazy, so that's good.
Despite the views of some bigots, Mahwongs cannot be accurately located by skin color alone. They come in all shades, whitey white, white, kinda off-white, whitish, mulatto, mocha, coffee bean, midnight, and even black velvet. Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the idea.
Their defining characteristic is that they're impervious to logic. If you say something logical, their brain actually never hears the message. You could say to a Mahwong who was on fire, "Hey, old chap, I believe you're going up in flames," and the Mahwong would say, "We can't focus on the obvious. We've got to turn this city around," before turning into a walking funeral pyre of flames and platitudes.
The citizenry of Lincoln are really slaves to their lack of education, which in turn Mahwongifies them to a great extent. Most of the time, if you use a five syllable word in a way that may or may not be intelligible, they either a) worship you like a king, or b) elect you Mayor so you can royally fuck things up.
Here's the thing- we've got this mayor in Lincoln- let's call him Icicle, because I think that's cool. Get it? Whaaaa-Whaaaaaa.
Anyway, Mayor Icicle claimed he was going to clean up the crime in Lincoln. So, the Mahwongs, in their decaying brains decided, "Crime is bad I guess. Icicle doesn't like crime, so I like Icicle." After completing that syllogism, most of the Mahwongs fell into a coma for two weeks for overexerting their brains. Then, they came to and voted Icicle into office.
Icicle then turns into a Hitler-type leader. Icicle-Hitler proceeds to a) flagrantly violate several state laws on camera and get's put on probation by a judge. Before that, he b) allegedly tore down a house with a crew of guys and some sledgehammers. (For the record, I'm also allegedly writing this blog post. Write your congressman.) He's a nutcase. At least Hitler had the common sense to completely take over the power structure so he could make up his own rules first.
For the coup de grace, a warrant for his arrest came out yesterday. The mayor of Lincoln, a major city in the Southeast, has an arrest warrant issued with his name on it. I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Here's what drives me abso-fucking-lutely insane- the Mahwongs love him with a zeal that borders on idolatry. Today they staged a rally in front of City Hall to show their support. A local news station just reported that 58% of the people in Lincoln don't think he should go to jail. What the fuck? I swear, they could show this guy on camera killing people Gestapo style for parking violations and the Mahwongs would say the next day, "Serves them right. Icicle is gotta cut down on crime."
All I'm saying is, Mayor Icicle could wipe his ass with the U.S. Constitution on camera while cutting off a jaywalker's head, and the Mahwongs would erect a graven image of him in the town square. It's ridiculous.
He could suffocate a ten-year old child with the decaying corpse of a puppy, and he'd still win re-election in a landslide. He'll probably run from jail and win.
God, I hate Mahwongs.
