Here's a sampling of real and current headlines from MSNBC.com, with my critique of them following after each in italics. My point is, these news organizations are about as concerned with the transmission of truth as Trump is about finding a great leader to run one of his 2,000 corporations. I'm pretty sure he's just in The Apprentice to make money, but I've been wrong before. The actual headlines show up after the jump.
1. "U.S. struggles to find fresh troops for Iraq buildup."
I guess the mobile spa units with armor-piercing nail stations haven't been finished yet. I love how they use the word "fresh" as a code word for "breathing." Also, that's exactly why we're losing the War on Terror- our boys are winded. They need oxygen masks. Gee, and I thought it was because we had stepped into an ideological morass spanning thousands of years and hinging on the very fundamental beliefs of ancient religions? Man, I'm an idiot sometimes. Our soldiers just need a breather. That's good to know.
2. Mexican leader vows drug crackdown, prods U.S.
I love how MSNBC just assumes that the average reader of its site wouldn't recognize the leader of Mexico's last name. They'd be like, "The channel that brought us the Simpsons and Family Guy is fighting the drug war? Isn't that hypocritical?
Also, "prods" either conjures sexual imagery or farm animal behavior therapy. Really bad choice of words. Next time, try not to hire someone just because they have an English degree and they're dating the editor's daughter.
"Vows" doesn't make sense either. He's not getting married, after all, or swearing to kill a blood enemy by sundown. They just picked it because it was short. I bet they suck at Scrabble and crossword puzzles.
3. "Man seeks to dispel public's fear of ski masks."
This is what we call a shit story. You should never click on these types of stories because the best part about them is the headline. It never fails- the story is never as good as the one you instantly make up in your head. Instead of being some cranky old bastard who's pickled himself half to death, it's some yuppie from Oregon trying to make a few bucks off the winter ski season. And the only reason they're running the story is because he used the date the editor's daughter.
4. "Packers fans cry 'No Moss!'"
This is mind-boggling, because they think that their readers won't know Vincente Fox's name, yet that they'll instantly latch on to the fact that "No Moss!" is a clever play on words of a quote said by Rocky Marciano, a whitey boxer from God knows when. Way to keep tabs on your demographic, goatfuckers. I'm so tired.
Also, it should be Packers', with an apostrophe after the "s." See #2 RE: Employee Qualifications Advice.
5. "Tornado caught on cell phone."
Why the fuck is this even news? I've seen a tornado before. I've seen a cell phone before. I'm pretty sure that when the two meet, it's not terribly exciting. How, with a website that covers all the news in the world, can this make it on the front fuckin' page? Unbelievable.
By the way, if you didn't picture a tiny tornado twisting inside an actual phone, you really can't be my friend.
6. Hindus hang from hooks.
Someone's been drinking too deep from the ol' alliteration pool. Literary techniques are not Legos or Twinkies- you can't just grab a few on a whim and then leave them for the dog to piss on later. With great power comes great responsibility, bitches. As someone with an English degree, I can say with some amount of confidence that if Milton read this headline, he'd wreak some unholy hell on the motherfucker who drew this one up.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Decapitated Headlines
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Politicking
Occasionally I like to turn the scope of my searing genius onto the national stage, because even I get tired of talking about local politics. Local politics, after all, is about as important as two dogs fuckin' in the backyard. You look for a second, feel a mixture of elation and shame, and then walk away. At least I do.
National politics is like elephant fuckin'. I mean, come on, you got to pull over on the side of the road and watch that shit go down.
I still can't quite believe Hillary Clinton is actually running for President. I'm a Libertarian, so in my heart I don't really care who wins, but I amazed she thinks she's electable. She might even do a good job, but that doesn't mean she'll get in.
I'm pretty sure Stephen Hawkings would make an awesome President, as he's smarter than all of us put together, but America's not going to vote for a guy with a robot voice and evil dictator wheelchair. Not in the age of television, at least.
First off, she's polarizing. People either love her or hate her. And if it's one thing Democrats don't want, it's a polarizing figure in the next election. They could almost win back the White House by drawing names out of a hat, as long as that person doesn't draw any type of ire. What I mean to say is, a random plumber from Minnesota would have a better shot for the Democrats than Hillary.
It's a natural reaction for someone who's been out of power to overreach when they first get a taste of the forbidden fruit. But that's generally a mistake. One must ease into power in national politics. They need a liberal that won't make the rednecks come out en masse simply to vote against him or her, like they did with the gay marriage ban. Did you see the lines in Florida last time? People were literally coming out of the swamps to vote against it. They want conservatives to stay home- which shouldn't be hard, since their morale is so low. Don't give them a reason to get up.
Secondly, she's a woman. At least half of the people who'd say they would vote for her are lying, and will change their vote once they get behind the curtain. I really don't see a lot of men voting a woman into office with this climate. Regardless of your feelings about the War on Terror, it's probably not good business to put in a leader who could get her ass kicked by Sea Monkeys.
Democrats, if you want to win the White House, do the following:
Obama is the bright light of your party. But he's too inexperienced to win the big one right now. You need to Condoleeza his ass into the Presidency over time. Have him and John Edwards (your charismatic candidate) develop a working relationship over time. Let John Edwards win the nomination, and then he picks Obama as his running mate. I really don't see how you could lose with an Edwards/Obama ticket. The son of a South Carolina mill worker running with a guy whose ancestry were slaves in South Carolina. The media (and America) would fall for it hook, line, and sinker.
Of course, they won't do that, and they'll end up running a Clinton/Farrakhan ticket to oblivion somehow. And then they'll blame the country.
I should really start doing retard summaries at the top, like CNN does, because I'm pretty sure 95% of the American populace can't read this many words without blowing out a blood vessel.
Oh well.
